Moving on after My Son’s Death

I still try to find the answer to how to overcome this great loss.

It has been a rough month to recover from this blow to my emotional core. I’ve had my bouts of wrenching sobbing and uncontrollable tears. Yet, I still push forward.

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We have learned very little about my son’s death. It is not ruled a suicide but what is the difference if one dies from a drug overdose?

Nothing about his death has made any sense except for the strange call I received from him on Mother’s Day. It was a hell of a day to say, by the way, Mom, I probably won’t be around much longer. I told him that ending his life was not an option but obviously, he overruled me on that decision. He tried to say goodbye, but I didn’t want to hear such talk. He did try.

How odd that he would die almost 10 years after completing a drug rehab program.

He had tried to change his life and his habits, but the old mistakes and lifestyle kept creeping back into his life like a bad dream. I was warned by the counselors at the rehab that there may come a day when he would be found deceased. I knew they were right.

I tried to detach from him with love. I don’t know if that made me cold and unresponsive to his actions, but I had built a wall to prevent him from filling my life with drama from the world of addiction.

The last ten years had been a struggle, no, it was a battle for him. Additional incidents made his life even harder, but he appeared to be overcoming those struggles. He had a job he loved. Was able to travel and eat out when he wanted and do the things he loved like concerts and monster truck jams.

He had a heart of gold and some of his friends/girlfriends would take advantage of his generosity. I don’t think he ever found true love. Or not the kind of true love that overcomes all obstacles.

I know he tried so hard. Tried to love so much.

For the past three months, he had even sought out professional help for his issues. He took medication that finally allowed him to live a life of responsibility that allowed him to make future plans.

I accept that my son was an addict. I feel no shame for that. I forgive him. I forgive him for leaving me to despair and heartbreak. His struggle has ended along with his emotional pain.

I pray that he is at peace and finally feels the love that he had craved so badly.

We picked up his ashes on Friday. I put them in the bay window so that he can see all his friends as they drive by. When his urn arrives, I will move him to the fireplace mantel. He will still be able to see the street from there and the cars as they drive by.

We had a very small private viewing for family members. Those that were close enough to be called family were also allowed to see him one last time for closure.

I have struggled with the emotional rollercoaster of heartbreak and memories knowing that there will not be any more memories with him except with him in a box or jar.

A month has gone by. I work at finding peace and forgiveness for everyone that had been in his life. It is very difficult to forgive his addict friends, yet I continue to pray that I can find forgiveness for them as well.

I will continue to remain resilient and finish my college degree. I have 7 weeks left of class before it is done. How weird that I started this journey only six years ago. Chris felt proud of what I have accomplished and ashamed of his addiction problem.

I forgive him because he did not know what he was doing to himself and his family.


Beloved Son – My Son

That Notification – Death of a Loved One

You see it happen all the time in television shows where the police department sends a couple of officers to the home of a former addict. They knock on the door and wait for someone to answer, knowing that the news they have to tell is going to be despairing for the recipient.

Mmm… that news was delivered to me on Monday, May 30th, 2022 – This Memorial Day.

My son was found deceased in his home by a friend of his that would routinely check on him to make sure that he got up in time to check in with the Boss to see if there was work for the day.

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Bob found Chris in his living room chair. He had passed some time in the early morning hours. They are not sure of the cause of death. They suspect Fentanyl is to blame.

What is even sadder is that Chris had been doing so well. He had been seeking medical assistance for mental health to combat his drug addiction. He was so proud that he was taking all the right steps for the first time in his life. He had been regaining his life back. Making plans. Working on improving his health even more. Enjoying his line of work as a concrete wall technician.

He was traveling. Visiting places that he had never seen before. Saw his first alligator in Florida. Found a bunch of seals basking on the shores of Nantucket.

Then came the friends. Friends from the past saw how good he was doing. Maybe they were curious at first, maybe they were becoming jealous that he was doing so well and not feeling miserable anymore.

They said, hey Chris, let’s hang out sometime. We haven’t seen each other in so long. Buddy – Ol’ Pal.

Sure –

So, he met with them for a few drinks at a couple of local bars Sunday night before Memorial Day.

Alcohol is not an addict’s friend. It causes them to forget why they were feeling so good about themselves.

One of those so-called old friends convinced my son to use it one last time. He will never use it again because he is GONE!

I am so filled with grief. We never planned for this day. Worst of all, Funeral services are so expensive. The funeral home needs everything to be paid upfront and they give you a deadline of less than a week to come up with the money. Not 30 days, not even 7 days.

I was going to settle for just the cremation service which is $3,500 but now my daughter is requesting a short wake so that she can lay eyes on her brother for one last time. She saw him 7 years ago.

I started a Go-Fund-Me to help raise funds for Funeral Services, but we are still far from our goal of $6000. I am distraught and full of grief.

It feels like my heart is being torn from my chest. This is a mother’s worst nightmare!

I hate having to ask for help but every bit adds up to help us reach our goal so that we can put Chris to rest and say our goodbyes and pay our respects.

Could you please help us, even with a small donation?

My beloved son Chris